Well, You Chose . . .
by TakChan
Summary: Is it finally time for Noin to part with the man she always loved the most? Well, Zechs chose Treize long ago, so why can't she choose someone else? If only her heart could actually let go. . .


This one's new, and frankly, probably the only one I really like at all. It has potential. And I expand on it when I get the feel.  
  
He was a beautiful man. At times, I felt vaguely jealous that he was better looking than me. I don't mean him being gorgeous, I mean him being absolutely beautiful while I wasn't. Not good for my self-esteem, but what was? He was six foot exactly, towering over my cursed five foot three. He had a wonderfully angular face, high cheekbones, sculpted features. His face was perfect, and I loved his nose. I knew that every man on earth and off must be jealous of the nose he had; absolutely complimenting his profile, strong enough to be striking but with a slight delicateness somewhere that balanced it all. His frosted blue eyes were wonderful to stare into, something you could lose yourself in for a couple of hours if you let yourself, framed by snowy lashes. He was broad shouldered, with the nice, sculpted muscles that are just barely noticeable. Slender hips, long legs, and a smile that I could read, which pleased me to know ends. I sound very possessive, I suppose. I get pulled from my stupor often enough whenever I see Treize walk in and touch Zechs. Treize had the right to kiss him, to hold him. Sure, I could do it if I wanted to, and I could giggle it off as a joke, but I didn't want to. He was only my friend. My best friend, but there was a line between friend and lover. A very distinct one.  
  
I've loved him for so many years now, I almost loose track. Who am I kidding, I remember exactly how many years it's been. Ten years. Have you ever experienced the agony of loving someone for ten years? Of ten endless years of unrequited love? And still counting. I sound very tragic. These days, it's not as bad, not as tragic as it was six years ago. The first four years were true hell. Because I knew of his affair with Treize. Then at the beginning of the fifth year, I realized that I should at least try to be content with the fact that Zechs is happy. It works a bit, it numbs the pain. Sounds cheesy, but knowing he's happy is better than nothing.  
  
Your chest still clenches when you think that he has somebody, that somebody has the key to his heart while you don't, but it's seriously not as horrible. Your first love is incredibly hard to forget, especially one that spans a decade. I tried to get my mind off of him. But it's not easy. Especially since he was usually only six feet away from me, talking to Treize. He would have the wonderful smile on, the one that glowed. He gave me that smile too, which gave me some smug satisfaction.  
  
Others would say we had an unusual relationship. I remember clearly one pivoting event that would backup the case of our relationship being not of the norm. It had been the third year I had known Zechs. We were close friends. The closest friends could get without becoming lovers or enemies. I had still been suffering from the after effects of finding out the man I loved was having an affair with the very man I had idolized as one of the last honorable men on earth. We had been sitting on a bench during the fall, in some park I've long forgotten the name of. Trambert Park. God, I have to stop lying to myself one of these days. He had an arm around me in a casual way, there was nothing sexual there. Darn.  
  
He was in his uniform, and I was in the outfit I wore all the time since I had no interest in clothes; camouflage pants, combat boots, an olive t-shirt and since it was chilly, an olive windbreaker. I've come to conclude perhaps one of the very attractive things about Treize is his immaculate fashion sense. I always learn things too late.  
  
He was talking about his relationship with Treize. If anybody wants to torture me, just put me in a room and make him talk about his relationship problems. I will start writhing and dying in five minutes. But since he was sitting right next to me, I kept an iron control over myself and promised that I would be sick in the privacy of my room. A breeze was blowing through his heavy, white gold hair, and I was preoccupied, thankfully, with how his hair could look so artful at all times. Then he sighed and I refocused my attention.  
  
"I know they say that secret affairs are the most exciting relationships. That once the secrets out, all the magic's gone, but I don't agree. I'm always so worried someone will find out. At least I know there's always going to be you around. God, Noin, I don't know what I would do without you. I'm really not looking forward to the day you start a serious relationship with someone else. It'd be so hard for me to share you, I'm not sure I could do it at all. It'd be like . . . like sharing Treize. I think I'd kill the other person," Zechs mused. But the look in his eye wasn't musing. He looked certain.  
  
For some reason, that didn't make me worried. It wasn't likely I'd ever find somebody who could hold a candle up to Zechs, let alone someone I'd concentrate enough to start a real relationship with. Friendship, of course, a romantic relationship, hell no. I had answered with something mostly non-descript, reassuring.  
  
I reminisced quite pathetically while watching the heavy white liquid roll around in my glass. The thick white liquid was actually some new, fancy type of drink. Thick, unique, and potent. I was a good drinker, and if I wasn't, I would of ended up unconscious after a sip of this stuff. Just like the guy to my right. The drink was called Ambiguous, and I was addicted to it. I could not get through a day without at least having a sip to calm my nerves or wash away my memories. Two glasses and I would be on the floor along with the other guy, experience had revealed, so I stuck to a glass a day. Zechs was on L3 with Treize. Vacationing. Which was why vague flutters of jealousy were pushing my drink back up.  
  
I had already turned down three drunken men and a woman, and I decided to hurry up and finish my drink before a transsexual decided to make a move. I downed the drink and turned around to leave when I saw him. I couldn't believe it for a few moments. Blinked a couple of times to make sure I was not in fact, hallucinating. Maybe one shot of Ambiguous was too much for me to handle. Then he blinked and I knew that I was definitely sober. His mouth opened, the sensual lips forming my name. In question.  
  
I had nodded, walked over, and right now I was halfway through another glass of Ambiguous and he was starting on his third. Tough man. Always liked that about him. He was still beautiful. As beautiful as Zechs. Perhaps even more so in some aspects. The blood red hair I remembered so well was now down to his waist, in thick, stylish layers. His skin, the color of faint caramel was still unblemished and perfect. And the eyes. The feline like, strange emerald eyes, framed by dark red lashes.  
  
"Are you still bound to Zechs?" The question was unexpected and I started. His emerald eyes were playful and inquisitive. I didn't lie. Being inhibited with alcohol was too trying to be able to lie.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But not as much. I can see that. For what it's worth. He's still with Treize. And you are still alone, his friend and unnamed admirer. No, you're not an admirer. You're an unknown lover." Damian's words were suddenly cutting through the air. I glanced up, a little fuzzily and saw that there was a glimmer of impatience in his eyes. Bitterness. I bit my lip. Damian had been the one. I had had an affair with him, if that was what you could call it. Lust. Passion. But not love. Not on my part anyway. He had loved me though. And the sting of it was still there.  
  
"You and I are both so hard on luck. The one relationship that I never had control over was with you. With you, I couldn't be the playboy, could I, Noin? You were an equal. And you made me fall in love with you. Then left. I learned exactly what it felt like to have a broken heart for once. To be left behind. It hurts."  
  
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I felt sleepy. And staring into his hurt eyes, I knew that some part of me had almost loved him. If Zechs hadn't of had a sudden break up with Treize, I might never of left Damian. There was something about him. An unidentifiable quality that pulled me to him. I knew all too much about unrequited love. That I had actually subjected somebody to such agony was beyond me. I had gone into it thinking to have a no strings attached sexual relationship. It had developed beyond that. "I almost loved you, Damian. I didn't have enough time."  
  
"Not enough time. You pulled away. It was your choice, Lucrezia." I hadn't heard anybody say my first name in years. Ever since I was seventeen and he had whispered it into my ear. Despite what he thought, he always had control in the relationship. The sexual part of it. He had been the playboy. A more downsized, tender version, yes, but still, at the core he had been the playboy. To hear him say my name again triggered something in me. And I started to cry. His face was ashen as he reached out to me. Like I was the embodiment of all that could save him.  
  
We clung to each other. Like children lost. And we were lost. Battered and hurt from love.  
  
"Noin. Noin, wake up." I opened my eyes drowsily and found myself staring into the lovely icy blue of Zech's eyes.  
  
"What are you doing here?" I muttered, strategically pulling the sheets up higher and snuggling down further into the bed. Sleep beckoned, with promises of rest and energy.  
  
"Don't fall asleep on me, Noin," Zechs chuckled. "I just got back from L3. Wanted to see how you were doing. Sleeping like a pig. But a cute one."  
  
I smiled in spite of the dumb inferences. I had no recollection of how I had come to be in my own bed. Ambiguous. Damian. Ambiguous. Damian.  
  
"Will you come home with me?" My eyes widened at his sudden question. Deja vu. Are you still bound to Zechs? Direct. Unsuspecting.  
  
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused. Zech's eyes narrowed suspiciously.  
  
"Will you come home with me. Come with me, Noin. Don't stay here."  
  
"I-I can't."  
  
"Why not? You love me, don't you?"  
  
"It hurts to love you."  
  
"Then don't come." Zechs sighed sadly. And he drifted away.  
  
Violently, I awoke to find it had only been a dream. Sun burnt my skin and as I opened my eyes, I was blinded by the intense glare of it. Blazing sun in January? What the hell? There was something on my hip. Silky soft. Hair. I glanced to the left of me. Damian. Shit. I closed my eyes. I didn't need this right now. The scent of something exotic touched my senses. I breathed in deeply. It came from his hair. I lifted a heavy sheet of it, examining the crimson strands. It slipped from my hands like water. Out of sheer childlike curiosity, I placed it on my skin, delighted to find that it felt nice.  
  
I shifted so that the silk sheet covered my burning arms, rubbing against the smooth texture. Silk was an option only for the very rich and indulgent. It would of cost me about two weeks pay to buy a sheet of silk as heavy as the one wrapped around me. I studied Damian's profile, content for the moment. As if there really was nothing weird or unusual about doing so. He reminded me so much of Zechs. Except a longer face, more sensual and less angular. And the lips. They were a bit fuller than Zechs. Could be manipulated to look either sexy or vulnerable. Whichever the situation called for. I smiled at that. Damian was 6"1, his limbs long and more smoothly muscled. In comparison, he was more delicate. Refined in some areas and rougher in the others. Either way, looking at one or the another was a sexual feast.  
  
His eyes fluttered open. Blazing green. Feline. He stared hard at me. Then looked as if he were thinking exceptionally hard. In the end his face was still blank. He moved and kissed me on the cheek, his hand linking with mine. So intimate.  
  
"I don't know how we got here. But I like the look in your eyes." He grinned then. So much more real and unique than a smile. I grinned back and it was as if we were once again the same good friends before tension had set in.  
  
"I don't even want to dwell on how we got here. All I know is that I really like your hair," I teased, pulling at it absently. Teenagers again.  
  
"I don't want to think either. You want to go out for coffee or have them bring it up?"  
  
"Bring it up. It must be hell washing it."  
  
So Damian and I spent the rest of the day together. A day where he was supposed to finish of a merger deal with some company that would bring his company's worth up by 120 million dollars. But he assured me that he would deal with it later as I started to suffer from a heart attack. A day where I was supposed to attend meetings, file reports, inspect new weapon policies and welcome Zechs and Treize home. Nothing that couldn't be attended to later. All I wanted right now was to expand on the feeling of painlessness. Of talking about anything and everything with him while eating a real chocolate croissant. To hell with reality and responsibilities.  
  
We went to an Internet cafe and spent three hours criticizing web sites and laughing over lame jokes. In other words, we were being dorky and enjoying it very much. I hadn't felt so free in years. For a whole day, I forgot about being a Preventer. I halfway forgot about Zechs. And I immensely enjoyed the company of a male presence, something I had not indulged in for many years.  
  
Come evening, we were in a restaurant, a ways off of 43rd. The atmosphere was intensely relaxed, cozy. The waiter didn't even write down our orders. He listened, nodded, repeated and waltzed off. The chairs were cushioned, soft and let the body sink in. The decor was crowded by creative inventions; the walls sagging with pictures, memorabilia, photos and trinkets. Each table had a theme, and the one we were sitting at had stamps and post related items scattered about under the glass. I noticed some stamps from 2980 and thought briefly about stealing it and selling it off for a couple thousand dollars. The table next to us had seashells and sand, and the one to the left had hair accessories. The floor was an array of mismatched rugs and a peek of blue carpeting, plush and easy to trip on.  
  
I liked it. The place seemed like the kind of thing Duo or Hilde would enjoy. I hurriedly moved onto another train of thought. No need to think of friend's tonight. Tomorrow would be the time to moan in pain about all the stupid - remember, no need to think right now. Just drink your wine, Noin. That's it. Mmm. Damian was examining some of the stamps, deep in thought and I suppose, speculation. Was he into stamp collecting?  
  
"Three of these stamps could be sold for more than $20,000. I wonder if the restaurant owner knows the value. Perhaps I could offer a couple hundred. But what idiot wouldn't know that something from 2076 is worth a lot?" he was murmuring softly, not directly talking to me, but rather to himself. I found myself smiling. He was so real. Zechs seemed like such a distant person compared to him. Zechs. It was no use trying to shove the thought away. Zechs was a real person, as real as Damian, but in a different sense. Damian seemed so normal. Zechs was so . . . not. Friend he was, lover he would never be. Damian had possibilities.  
  
Even if I didn't truly love him as I did Zechs, couldn't something work out? A relationship? The idea blossomed. But I didn't really consider my feelings. A night in bed with a man will do that to you. Mess up all the things you thought were law in your life. Feelings and hormones always had different opinions. Damn it. Our orders came back with the waltzing waiter. He smiled as he placed the meals down, making small pleasantries and then disappearing. The restaurant was sparsely filled. Regulars, it seemed. Feet were propped up, attempts made at tossing food into the opposite person's mouth. The meat was real. And I wondered exactly how much Damian had spent today. Probably more than a month's pay. And I winced as I realized I should offer to pay for this dinner.  
  
"So what are we going to do." It was more of a statement than a question and again, it caught me off guard. My guard was useless these days. I glanced up at him. All of his attention was on me. His finished plate pushed to one side, one hand loosely turning the straw in his drink. The rapt attention he was paying to me with those strange, glowing green eyes was unnerving. Nobody had ever stared at me like that. As if I were the only thing in the world right now.  
  
"I don't know." Honest as I would ever be. He seemed to read my mind and continued in the same, serious tone.  
  
"If you're just going to throw me away and walk out of my life again, please tell me. I'd like a little time to prepare myself," he said. There was just the slightest note of sarcasm. Intense pain could not be smoothed over by one good night and one great day. I should know.  
  
"I-" I stopped. I couldn't just say 'I won't do that this time' without thinking about it for a while. Would I do it again? If Zechs suddenly came to me, troubled with a problem, would I just drop Damian and dive head in again into the old world of Zechs? "I don't know. Again. I don't know. I'm not sure. That's all I can say. I don't want to - to make promises or give answers that I can't keep or swear to be true."  
  
He was silent for a while. Still watching me intensely. Zechs never looked at me that way anymore. There were glances. But most of the time, he looked elsewhere. I didn't matter to him like that. Perhaps there had been a few penetrating looks years ago, but not now. Suddenly, I felt old. Old even though I was only twenty-two. Weary and tired of having to help save the world and keep its' unruly inhabitants in order. My shoulders slumped and I sagged in my chair. For an instant, my energy was sapped as I looked back at my life and found that there really was nothing there. Nothing that really made me smile or think back with delicious fondness or warmth. No close friends until recently. And even now, not close enough. I felt forlorn. Aching with loneliness.  
  
Damian reached out, clasping my hand. The look was gone. He only stared, not as heavily as before. And his face was a mirror of mine. Two people whom fate and life had been bitchy to and fucked up.  
  
"If you're tired, we can talk about this another time. You want to go out for a walk?" his voice was soft. I nodded and we left.  
  
After another night lost in his arms and reassuring embraces, I was a bit more ready for the responsibilities that were glaring at me as I returned to the Preventer Headquarters. Somehow, I had lost my 'link. I don't know how. I didn't really care. Damian and I had decided to wait a couple more days before seeing each other. He admitted that he was afraid a day with Zechs would change my mind. He wanted some time to ready himself for any new blow I might inflict. Bluntly honest. I agreed with him. Who knew what a bitch like me might do? I sighed and strolled into the lobby. Mary, the secretary on duty today, gave me a wide-eyed look.  
  
I don't think it was only because I wasn't wearing my Preventer jacket. In fact, I was only in an identical white button down shirt and black jeans. My shirtsleeves were rolled up already. Things were still fuzzy and pleasant. Clear reality still hadn't kicked its way in yet. I should have popped a Wake Up. There was something in the air. A vague discontent. People were glancing at me weirdly. I turned the corner and came face to face with Hilde. She glared at me.  
  
"We were trying to get to you all day yesterday! You big dope, come with me," Hilde ordered. Considering that I was only 5"3', being called a big dope was sort of flattering.  
  
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Brief visions of a shuttle from L3 crashing into distant space popped in my mind.  
  
Hilde mumbled before speaking louder. "You totally ignored the fact that you had a meeting with Janelle T. Robinson the Asshole yesterday. Weapons policy. Government requirements. God, Noin. We were all worried when we couldn't reach you at all. Zechs was in a bad mood at not being able to find you, Lady Une had another stick up her ass, the usual. You disappearing on such short notice is not usual, but whatever. Where were you?"  
  
"I was - enjoying life," I said. Hilde grinned at that, probably laughing quietly since I was a workaholic who had once snapped that there was absolutely no need to go outside and enjoy the day. Hilde had insisted that once in awhile, a person just needed to go out and take a breath of air. I had then called her crazy and warned about falling sick afterwards. We came to Lady Une's office. Hilde barged right in and stopped short when she saw that Heero, Duo, Zechs, Wufei, Trowa, Quatre and Treize in there along with Lady Une. I surveyed the silent men and women in the room. I missed the messy restaurant already. The sight of Zechs brought back familiar feelings. The thought of Damian softened the edge a bit.  
  
"Sorry," Hilde coughed.  
  
"It's alright, Hilde. We were just finishing up. Next time though, please try to knock before entering," Lady Une said. Her tone was as efficient, crisp, and down to business as ever. And I snapped back to reality. I actually had to go sit down and ponder for a while before muttering a few 'oh shit's'.  
  
"What's wrong with you, Noin? Did you actually go out and take drugs or something?" Duo asked. I rolled my head around a few times. Smashing down into reality was a real roller coaster. I hated feeling so confused.  
  
"I-I my Alert All just short circuited on me," I muttered. And I noticed that I did feel like it. Zech's hawk eyes watched me suspiciously. At the moment, I was annoyed with him. So I turned back to Lady Une.  
  
"And where were you yesterday, Noin?" Lady Une asked. A soft approach. She'd have me speared and roasting before long.  
  
"I went to get a drink at a bar. Next thing I knew it was morning and I was lying in the office of the bar. Terrible hangover. I lost my 'link somehow, and then ended up wandering around the rest of the day. I just sort of blanked out. I lost the key to my apartment so I just came up here." I tried to instill as many truths as I could muster up. Small, insignificant, barely true truths. Lady Une watched me, brown eyes placid. A small shift and she was on me. Not the way I expected though.  
  
"Do you go to the bar every night, Noin?" Did everybody have to be witness to my interrogation? I was not up to this. I had tried out a new drink last night called Bland. It had not been bland.  
  
"Yes, I do."  
  
"Why, might I ask?"  
  
"I like the bar atmosphere. I go there every night and have a shot. Then, usually, I leave to go home. I had three shots the other night and went unconscious, I suppose."  
  
"Do you have a drinking problem?"  
  
"No, I do not."  
  
"Yet you go to a bar every night," Lady Une pointed out. I shrugged. "And you lie."  
  
I just stared at her.  
  
"I told your doorman, Alberto, to call me as soon as you came back to the apartment complex. He called at 7:23 AM, five minutes after you came back. You did go to your apartment. Why are you lying?" Lady Une's voice was steely.  
  
I knew there was an annoyed look on my face. "It's personal."  
  
"You are amongst coworkers who do not gossip and close friends."  
  
What the hell. The least she could do was send my friends on their way. Admitting I met an old flame at a bar and went to bed with him was not something I was willing to share with Gundam Pilots, an ex-OZ officer, and an L2 rebel. I got up and went to the window. I was hoping for some mobile suits to come stomping up to headquarters so we could stop having this conversation. "Noin."  
  
"I went down to a bar called the Black Pug. I had one shot of Ambiguous and one shot of Bland. As I was about to leave, I noticed an old friend in the corner. We each had two more shots of Ambiguous. As I was severely inhibited, I stayed the night at their place, which was a street away. When I awoke, I had an extreme hangover, and to remedy that, my friend and I went out shopping. I did not take a Sober Up, and therefore, my memory was lacking. I had lost my 'link though I did not loose my apartment keys. I went back to my apartment this morning, changed, and came here." The barest truth in all of its glory and delivered in my signature officer to superior style.  
  
Lady Une did not speak, still silently evaluating me.  
  
"I apologize for not arriving to work and am ready to accept any disciplinary actions you deem necessary," I finished. I was tired and it wasn't quite nine' o'clock yet. Why was life so complex?  
  
"At ease, soldier," Lady Une said before she caught herself. Her forehead creased. "Goddamnit Noin, don't use that academy tone with me. We were worried about you. The weapons policy had to be postponed to a later date, and believe me, that pompous ass Janelle gave me hell. We needed your diplomacy and you weren't there."  
  
Zechs walked over and led me toward the doors before I could snap back about my diplomatic skills.  
  
"I'm going to get some coffee with Noin." Lady Une made no objections and we walked out.  
  
"Thanks," I said. He nodded. His pale hair was glossy in the artificial light and I stared at it for a few moments before entering the lounge. Sudden euphoria attacked me. Memories. Memories of days past, during our time in the Academy. I remembered the first time I had seen Zechs. The first thoughts that had rushed through my mind. Male. Tall. Masked. Competition. My thoughts back then had centered on getting ranked a Captain before I turned twenty-five. And he stood in my way. Because of our high abilities, we were constantly paired together, breaking records, leaving our classmates behind to eat dust.  
  
We had gone through so much together. I remembered when Zechs had stood behind me after a confrontation with a female Officer who had filed numerous, fussy complaints over my procedures. They were worthless pieces of shit, but it had marred my pristine record. She had practically spat in my face that the only reason I was a lieutenant at age 19 was because I opened my legs to Commander Treize and all the high-ranking officers. She said I probably went down on the females too. Even though Commander Treize knew this wasn't true, for procedure's sake, he had to suspend my title and investigate. It was over in three days, but I had suffered through hell during it. Fear had clawed at me. My status as a soldier meant everything to me. It was my life. Being a soldier meant I mattered, I was doing something that affected others, and it gave me a name. It meant I was somebody.  
  
To have that taken away from me, no matter how short a time, was devastating. Anger and black fear grabbed me again, trying to pull me back into more detailed memories. I clawed my way back, my temple throbbing. I looked at Zechs as he handed me coffee, strong and black. Tall, powerful, no longer competition, but friend. And I remembered why I loved him. Because he was there. Because he was him. And I was so torn between lust and love. With lust, there was freedom, with love, pain. Zechs didn't speak as I drank my coffee, our shoulders touching. I re-experienced the immense pain of finding out my best friend loved someone else. And I had the urge to throw up. When I spoke again, it was in breathless, strained tones.  
  
"Say something. Anything."  
  
"Noin."  
  
"Say something else!" I gnashed out, hating the sound of my last name on his lips.  
  
"Lucrezia." My shoulders slackened and I leaned on him, exhausted from my internal bout.  
  
"I hate you." Then I rose and walked out of the room, more or less still sickened. 


End file.
